Unfortunately for the rest of the world (aka the 5 people that have been forced into reading this), my loyal and adoring blog fans (is there a specific word for this that I should know once I make it big in blogging), otherwise known as morganne, nance pants and lori (SHOUT OUT...WASSUP), have apparently missed my constant whining and have requested another long-winded entry about my distorted views on the world. (Sorry, was that the longest sentence ever written? My writing 20 teacher would be p-i-s-s-e-d.) Because I am not one to let down the three fans that I have (I know I lost my dad when I talked about my grandma's cooking...woops), I am taking time out of my lunch break to take care of them. That would be out of my TWO HOUR "lunch" (if that is what we're calling these interesting meals) break...did you read that Z&B? I have moved up in the world from a 40 minute, unpaid lunch break at the firm to a 2 hour (unpaid) lunch break (which the rest of Vietnam may or may not also take). The only logical next step...get paid to eat.
Aside from my logistical concerns with my lovely summer job back at home, I would like to update everyone that I am down to 4 mosquito bites (even though they might be the size of m&ms at this point...back to food. damn.), I still have all of my limbs intact (definitely jinxed myself), and I have avoided eating caterpillars, puppies, and slugs (sorry, France). I know that this is hard to believe, but I think that I am possibly tied with Ha Noi this week (correct, Carly tied with an entire city). At least I'm going to continue to think that we're tied until I get bit by a stray dog that confuses me for a cow (I am legitimately that much larger than all Vietnamese people) or some dirty water falls out of a window onto my head and I contract Hepatitis (well that was not really funny at all, was it?).
For anyone that doesn't enjoy joking about diseases transmitted through fecal matter (so, no one), I think that you will appreciate some of the finer uses of English here in Ha Noi. During most of my cab rides to and from work, I am too busy being a backseat driver (not that it matters because none of my cab drivers to date have spoken any English) and stomping on my invisible break to take note of the signs on stores. Fortunately, between my hosts and myself, we have picked out some pretty amazing places to visit if any of you ever decides to come to Ha Noi:
1. The Floating Restraint: this is a very interesting building (shack) that sits in the middle of Ho Tay, a lake near my house. I have yet to see an intact bridge to the Floating Restraint but maybe that is part of the appeal--a little swim. According to the rest of the signage, this is in fact a place that sells food and isn't a prison or something creepier (or sadomasochistic). Maybe one day someone will fix the sign to say Floating Restaurant but that would really destroy the entertainment value.
2. The Dental Clink: one day I decided to tag along with my host family when they went baby shopping for their son (it doesn't really get more Vietnamese than checking out Gerber products in a store in Vietnam) and I was fortunate enough to catch a glimpse of the new "dental clink" that was moving in next door. Baby's got a new set of teeth--take it to the dental clink! I'm considering visiting them about my TMJ just to get a 458th opinion...I think Z&B would agree that it would only help.
and just in case all of you over-pampered, anxiety-filled Americans were concerned about coming to visit construction sites in Ha Noi...they truly put "safety fist." The sign on the worksite near the house says so and I certainly believe it. They may never be wearing hard hats and carry piles of bricks wearing rubber sandals but I'm sure they follow the Vietnamese version of OSHA's rules. (holy crap, OSHA...way too much time working for teddy boy. please don't bother looking up OSHA if you don't know what it is...you won't care.)
While I haven't made most of these amazing English discoveries during my cab rides home from work, I have had some very interesting experiences with taxis during my time here. Fortunately, my host Jenny pointed me in the right direction of some cab companies that are considered reliable during my first few days here. While all cabs here have meters, many cab drivers seriously mess around with them and charge people totally outrageous prices so it's advised to only use certain companies. As I learned after a few mistakes, apparently different sized cars (van, sedan, smartcar-type size but definitely NOT smart) charge different prices. In USD, the prices are actually only off by about a $1 or 2 but when you hear that the difference is 20,000 anything (even if that's only ~$1.08), it's hard to pay...or at least it is for someone as cheap as I am. It is especially difficult to part with that $1.08 because that is typically about what my lunch costs (TAKE THAT, ALPINE BAGELS.). As a result of my stinginess, I have started hunting down the small cabs that typically park as far away from my street as possible because there are many ex-pats here who are willing to pay for the bigger cars. This usually results in me walking for 15 minutes until I get so sweaty and not presentable for work that I have to use the next taxi that I see--which 2 out of 3 times is a van. what incredible luck I have! (is that English? I'm really doubting my English skills after spending my days with people who speak English as a very second language.) Fortunately, Hang, my trusty co-worker and supplier of scary food, helps by calling me a small cab every day so that the creepy bike drivers outside of work can't yell "HELLO MOTO" (WHY? i don't know.) as I try to remain persistent about finding a little taxi.
Other than my absurd rant about $1.08 which has probably resulted in the loss of a lot of readers by this point, there are many more interesting things to be noted about taxis and their drivers. Firstly would be the music choices of some of my lovely taxi drivers. Some of the drivers choose to listen to more traditional Vietnamese music which is always nice because I love music and I think it's a good way to learn about a new culture. However, these drivers have been rare in my experience. Instead, I tend to get drivers who like to listen to music on repeat...if you can call it music. On one of my first rides home, I had the pleasure of listening to the Rocky theme song on repeat. I like little reminders of home but not necessarily on repeat for 45 minutes in traffic. It was only exciting when I drove past Ho Chi Minh's mausoleum because it's a giant stone tomb...which doesn't really have anything to do with Rocky or his theme song but whatever. It worked for me...for 2 of those 45 very long minutes.
Another dazzling taxi concert that I got to sit through was "boom boom boom"--also on repeat from a cassette tape! (ARE CASSETTES EVEN STILL IN PRODUCTION?....see, very not-smart little cars). Luckily for me, this musical masterpiece was part of ADPi's recruitment song this year so the only thing that I heard was "wear white and blue, we want you in our crew" (are those even the right lyrics...I don't really even think I knew them totally at recruitment?). So as my driver sat in the front singing his own version of the English lyrics, I sat in the back singing a very wrong version of the already wrong lyrics. what a solid day.
Last but not least, and probably my favorite taxi driver that I can remember, was the man who had a Britney Spears ringtone on his phone. There aren't any rules about cell phone usage while driving in Vietnam so it's not uncommon for a taxi driver to constantly be taking and making calls. Good thing that this driver was just Mr. Popular on the morning that I got to take his cab! Over and over--the chorus of "If You Seek Amy" but in weird tonal sounds would play and then he would yell things into his phone and throw it at the passenger's seat (he must really like his friends). That was easily one of the best hours of my life (that's right--we also hit rush hour traffic...which is almost every hour here in Ha Noi).
(Hopefully my grandmothers who are reading this don't know the song If You Seek Amy and one of my relatives can explain this in terms of a more generationally relevant example...of which I have zero. Either way, I can only imagine what nice thoughts Grandma Ethel has on Brit Brit...if only her favorite Yiddish words weren't inappropriate for the internet...yes, even the internet.)
I know that this will sound weird, but I actually have a lot more to say about taxi drivers but I will save that for another time because I just wrote a short novel...woooops. I hope that my unavoidable internal dialogue that made its way into all of the parentheses in this entry hasn't confused or more importantly (and probable) offended anyone. Can't wait to be back in the same time zone as most of you (sorry morganne...at least you have your tim tams) in a week!
as always:
nance pants-- still wearing that effing bite plate. that dentist isn't getting any freaking peppercorns. i'm still debating if i feel the same about brushing my teeth. (please ask for the uncensored version of my feelings)
teddy boy--sorry for trash talking Z&B...it's a love-hate relationship. i am serious about getting paid to eat though. please consider that for when i refuse to come back next summer and get stuck doing it anyway because no one else wants to hire a junior (holy crap) in college.
